|
Willkommen bei Orsm.net.
Feel like I've not gone forward nor backward since last we spoke. Just a going through the motions sort of week. Not necessarily a bad thing and things could absolutely be worse so I remain happy, upbeat plus a whole bunch of other words meant to convey a positive theme. There's a lot happening around me and as always I'm not even remotely close to having everything quite under control so let's just segue in to that which has ensued beginning with...
Saturday was supposed to be all about house stuff. This was [of course] hijacked before we could get started in the form of a breakfast for a friend's birthday at a shitty café. Seriously - how hard is it to make some motherfucking eggs taste halfway decent? Break some eggs in a bowl, add milk or cream, salt and pepper, lightly beat, cook. Won't even bother with coffee. Honestly the next chapter in my life after Orsm may very well be food related because with so many shitty cafes around it wouldn’t be hard to make a fortune. From there it was recon. Basically we were told to go and see what we like for the new home build. Stuff like taps and tiles. Yawn. Managed to go through a dozen places in quick succession, collect a bunch of brochures and hope to god there isn't too much more of that to come.
Squeezed in a grocery shop before the final architect meeting that afternoon. First time we'd managed to bring all stakeholders together which was a challenge in itself. Thankfully now everyone has signed off and there may start to be some progress. Was more or less exhausted by the time evening rolled around which was a shame because dinner was booked with friends, but less so because wine and ice cream were involved.
Had sweet fuck all planned for Sunday and somehow wound up sat at the computer. "I'll just quickly vacuum them out" I thought to myself. By mid-afternoon I'd managed to do that as well as recover some previously-thought-lost data from an old hard drive. Tonnes of pics and documents I was sure had gone forever after a monumental NAS failure last year. Have crapped on about that one a few times now but long story short - happy days.
Monday was a lesson in inconvenience and profiteering. The power company decided that would be the day they'd reschedule maintenance work in my area "between 8 and 2". But before I get to that... I also had my car booked in for a service. So I left early, dropped car at the mechanics, gave them a list of stuff I wanted fixed/checked, jumped in with the GF, took her to work and went on my merry way in her car. *cough*hopenooneIknowsawmedrivingaHyundai*cough*. Power was still on by the time I got home and hung until the plug was puleld around 10. Only 2 hours late but who's counting right? Actually drove past where they were working and admittedly most of them did look extremely busy standing around holding up shovels and talking.
Spent the next however long visiting my niece, doing some shopping and back home for 2pm only to find a world still plunged into darkness. Colour me surprised. Somewhere in there came the 'tale of woe' call from the mechanics. Almost incredibly they found problems with everything from engine mounts [$600+] to radiator hoses [$120+] to an actuator [$420+] to electrical issues [$700+] to you name it. Funny because the car drives perfectly, works perfectly, does everything perfectly, yet they still managed to quote over $3k worth of shit to fix...? Umm no. Just do the service, stop gouging.
Left again at 3.30 for a chiro adjustment, picked up the GF, collected the car [still drivable - who ever would have thought?] and got home to find the elec finally back on. Will always wonder if the fuckers had started when they said, would they have finished when they said?
Had to make up for an entire day of lost productivity that night so the fact 10 women were crammed into an adjacent room for a Tupperware party wasn’t a big deal. Listening to the sales pitch I still just don't get why it's so loved the world over. When cohabitation commenced late last year my fridge went from nearly empty to capacity overnight yet the amount of actual food inside had hardly changed. Why? Because Tupperware is a lie. The promise is your food will be kept fresher for longer therefore reducing how much you waste meaning you can save on grocery bills. [OMG THAT'S AMAZING PLEASE SELL ME A $60 LUNCHBOX!?] Okay so this is all true however where there were once two mushrooms in a paper bag, there's now two mushrooms in an airtight container the size of a VW. You can't fit anything else in the fridge but hey - at least they'll still be edible in a month.
Allllright that should about do it with the blogging. Below is a killer update that I'm particularly happy with that should keep you dudes entertained for a good couple of hours. There's boobs, jokes, videos, Shite plus so much more. It's an everything/nothing orgasm. Check it...
Tiny Adventure - Nissan vs Ferrari - Hip Hop Hunnies - Fuck Me - Sent Flying - Hot Or Not? - Nude Beach - Screaming-O
Ariany Celeste - She Taps Out - Weed & BJ - Seinfeld Porn - Nasty Bitches - Ultra Hot Les - Errr What? - Hypnotic
Filthy Act - Fire Burns - Finger-Banged - WTF-ing-Fuck - Big Titties - Drunk Bitches - Hobo Sex - Nude Stretches
A husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a 'phone call' so that the kids will not decode. One day the husband sends his son to tell mum that his dad wants to make a 'phone call'. Mother replies "Tell your dad the network is bad today". Husband replies back "Tell your mother that if there is no network at home, I will go to the 'public phone'". Wife sends the son back "Tell your father that if he goes to the public phone, then then I will open a call centre at home".
--
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple and asks the guide for details. The guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations and are still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. "This temple is 2,503 years old" replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he asks how he knew this precise figure. "Easy" replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 2,500 years old, and that was three years ago".
--
I'm not saying I'm gifted or anything. But I signed my own birth certificate...
--
I was on a date when she asked "So what do you do for a living?" "I work in a fudge packing factory" I replied. "Oh I see," she smiled "so you're a fudge packer then?" "I wouldn't say that" I replied. "Oh!" She said, "Why not?" "Cause I'll break your jaw" I replied.
--
What's the difference between a cricket ball and an Aboriginal chick's pussy? If you tried really hard, you could eat a cricket ball.
--
"I've got a boyfriend" is a girl's way of saying fuck off and leave me alone. "I've got a girlfriend" is a guy's way of proposing a threesome.
ORSM
VIDEO
ARE WE HAVING PUN YET?
-I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
-When chemists die, they barium.
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
-PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
-Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
-Broken pencils are pointless.
-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
-I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
-I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
-Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
-Velcro, what a rip off!
-A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
-Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
-The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
-Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
-I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
-Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
-Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
-Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
-Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
-A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
-A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
-Without geometry, life is pointless.
-When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
-Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
-A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
-A backwards poet writes inverse.
-In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
-What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
-There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
-The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
-Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
-Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
-When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked "Are you two an item?"
-When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
-This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
-A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."
-A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
-Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Hey get out! We don't want your type in here!"
| A LITTLE BIT OF ELISA |
 |
|
"Doc" says Steve "I want to be castrated". "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind so either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor". "Okay okay" says the doctor "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there" says Steve "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me". "Well" said the patient "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised". "Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"
ORSM
VIDEO
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informed the couple "you can get married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering - what if things don't work out...? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted: "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer!?"
| MORE THAN A MOUTHFUL - LARGE AREOLA |
 |
|
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went off. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice, that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
| SUBWAY STRANGENESS |
 |
|
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
READER MAIL
If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and maybe one or two others would be eternally grateful. You could also win an awesome prize but please bear in mind I have nothing to give away and winning any such prize will have absolutely nothing to do with me. Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send send hurtling down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it all happen.
jj jj wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Know of any good phone sex numbers that won't charge you right off the bat so you can get a good wank in before hand? Or any hot milf/gilf's numbers?
Your mum. -Orsm |
xitz wrote:
Subject: pitchers
ere we go agen mister orsm, went to me mates 40th last Saturday (You'll never guess his name?? ) Anyway his folks came up with this cake which I thought good enuff for you to consider wherever. They claimed it was 100% edible, that's right Ice, Esky AND Stubbies, well you should know me by now so I had a go at the Stubbies (what else ??) they were bloody toffee apple ingredients, all I got was sticky fingers. OK maybe you can use them... |
Tom wrote:
Subject: Those Funny French Canadians
Howdy from Canada! An update from The Great White North! We're busy having students in our French province of Quebec rioting over their rising tuition costs. You'd think people seeking an education would be able to deal with these problems in a peaceful and non-violent manner. You'd also think their grammar would be better; well, maybe not; they are French Canadians. |
 |
Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
think she's Canadian?
Or a stoner...? -Orsm |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random shit
My wife and I just moved to Mandurah from Brisbane and saw this shop on the corner of Pinjarra Rd and Sutton Street. Don't show my details. Love your site!
Glad they clarified that they 'just' do cremations. -Orsm |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: killed whale
Recently moved house. This whale print was left behind with a trailer load of other shit by the previous tenant. I was gonna chuck it when I had a moment of creativity. Love ya work. hide the deets. |
 |
Dan wrote:
Subject: Grog Party the new political force
Being Driven to Drink? GROG NOW! Some blokes up north came up with this one while enjoying a quiet ale or three. They printed-off a few car stickers, for fun, and now the demand for them has gone through the roof. GROG = Get Rid Of Gillard WHO WANTS TO JOIN THE G.R.O.G. PARTY??? |
 |
psycheman wrote:
Subject: First and Second Aid
Mr. Orsm, Never learned this in CPR class, perhaps I need a refresher course! That ought to bring him around! If this doesn't work, I am afraid that he's a gone'er! |
 |
Norman wrote:
Subject: Pathetic!
Some of the phishing attempts that I receive are absolutely pathetic! This one received today from 'Bank of Scotland': Could the link perhaps be a bit of a giveaway? I wonder if there's a business opportunity here? Could I offer consultancy on 'Making Your Scams More Credible'? Cheers
They're just not even trying anymore. -Orsm |
 |
Rick wrote:
Subject: Fishing Trip Invitation
I'm putting together a fishing charter to Newfoundland. This is not a normal fishing trip...it's on a commercial boat...everything first class. All gear, food, booze, supplied. The works. After a day of fishing, you relax and watch the sun set over the North Atlantic. Then gather around a well-stocked bar for a laid back comfortable evening. There are just a couple of slots open for this 'once-in-a-lifetime' experience. Photos from last year's trip below. Let me know if you want to go. |
 |
Carsten wrote:
Subject: Beer Festival in Hanoi - Vietnam
Beer and Hot Dogs in Hanoi .......
Dirty bastards. -Orsm |
 |
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Dubai |
 |
justin wrote:
Subject: "Find Your Car!" -- new game in Russia.
New Game in Russia for Winter 2012 - "Find your car!". Wouldn't it be a shocker if you dug out the wrong car! |
 |
Bill wrote:
Subject: South Texas Stock Tank
Take a look at what shows up at a South Texas stock water tank in dry weather. For those of you that have never hunted in South Texas , sometimes we post motion detector cameras at our feeders/tanks to see what is going on. Check out this sequence at a water tank. |
 |
Jd wrote:
Subject: Graphic pictures if you are very squeamish.
That's what happens when you go the wrong farmer looking shit! One can see that the 'victim' knew of shoot kopskote. And then some with a .375 Holland & Holland, which is usually used for big game such as lions, rhinos, buffaloes and even elephants. The pattern across the left is a .308 caliber (old pattern R1) with a .375 all right. Enough power for a 270 grain bullet at 820 meters per second from the barrel racing! PS. There was not much of the 'trophy' left to the taxidermist against the wall mount is not. |
 |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics for your update
Hey Mr Orsm, Couple of pics of me and the man, hope you can use them, keep details private cheers :)
Good girl. -Orsm |
 |
Lame-o wrote:
Subject: The Milky Way as seen from Utah.
Jaw dropping photos of the Milky Way as seen from Utah.
Salt Lake City photographer Royce Bair uses digital cameras and what he describes as a 'copious collection of portable incandescent and flash lighting equipment' to capture his unique views of the night sky over Utah's spectacular canyons. |
 |
|
Jd wrote:
Subject: Question for a genuis. Solve this ... If you can.....
A question for the Super genius, whoever solves the problem will write their name in the attached file. The answer is the password to open the file attached!
Please note you cannot upload your answer to Orsm.net. Save this file and email to your friends. -Orsm |
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
A new school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools in Soweto. He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wesizwe.
She says to the class "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question". The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.
He asks "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?" For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The Inspector points excitedly to him.
Sipho stands up and says "Sir, I don't know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I am innocent".
The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation. She says "Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it".
The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened.
The principal replies "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher and I believe her. If she feels that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent".
The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and dials the Minister of Education. He relates the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the school.
The Minister sighs heavily and replies "You know I am very busy. I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother".
| KITTY WANTS TO PLAY |
 |
|
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years".
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Bed Hard!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?""I quit!" said the man. "Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
RANDOM SHITE
We've all heard the overused "#1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Oh and did I mention it's absolutely totally 100% completely FREE!? Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day!
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot".
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your old fella which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister".
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad" the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly" answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye".
| I'D SINK A BALL IN TO PARIS DAHL... |
 |
|
A policeman is making his regular patrol when he spots a car parked in an out of the way 'Lovers Lane'. When he carefully approaches the car to get a closer look, he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The policeman asks "What are you doing?" The young man says "Well, officer I'm reading a magazine".
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat he says "And her, what's she doing"? The young man shrugs "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails".
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night at Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!
He asks "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir". "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies "She'll be 16 in 11 minutes..."
ORSM
VIDEO
That, or if you prefer, this is the end of the update.
-Check out the site archives. Avail yourself of updates going back almost 12 years. You won't be disappointed... or maybe you will. What would I know right?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Of that you can be sure.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will deliver a tough budget that doesn't pull any punches.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ahhhh-choo! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
